| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
PETA Anti-Fur
Protesters Voted
“Most
Beautiful”
Beat out tree sitters,
anti-war demonstrators,
and last year's winners,
Strippers Opposed to Stripmining. |
|
 |
|
| ENVIRONMENT |
|
Provision in Budget Bill
Allows Timber Companies to Manage Forests
Fox Logging & Mining will be in
charge of Hen National Forest. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Arena Football League
Finding Its Audience
Very popular with short claustrophobics
allergic to grass. |
|
Spring Training: Pitchers,
Catchers Report
First week devoted to stretching,
scratching, spitting. |
| |
| RELIGION |
|
Vatican Opens
Archives to Defend Pius
XII Against Anti-Semitism
Hope old deli receipts,
comedy albums will
convince critics. |
|
 |
|
|
What
to Do in the Event of
Terrorist Chem, Bio or
Nuke Attack |
|
| 1. |
Lock doors
and windows. |
| 2. |
Cover any cracks
where outside air
could enter home. |
| 3. |
Load weapons
– neighbors,
friends and relatives who
could be infected may
seek shelter with you,
you must repel them. |
| 4. |
Inspect family
for traces of
chemicals or symptoms of
illness. If any family
members have been
exposed, expel them at
once. |
| 5. |
Clean and
disinfect area suspected
family members may have
contaminated. |
| 6. |
Open a can
of rations, relax, and
wait for further
instructions. |
|
|
|
| |
| IRONIC TIMES EXCLUSIVE |
|
U.S. Plans Two-Year Military
Occupation of Iraq
Followed by brief period of chaos as
various warring groups battle for
control, followed by bloody revolution,
followed by the establishment of a strict
fundamentalist government that supports
terrorism – if all goes well. |
|
